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To gain some sort of control over my life, I over-exercised even more, vowing not to become “the mom who let it go” ... talk about social conditioning and ridiculous expectations put on women!
I didn't eat during the day.
Enter the "Mom" diet: when you're constantly making meals for every other little human all day and night in your household that the thought of making food for yourself is the LAST thing you want to do.
My routine was:
Wake up, coffee, workout HARD, work, skip all the meals, work, maybe have an afternoon snack, work, drink wine, eat a BIG dinner, binge on cookies in the closet so no one can see, more wine, and try to sleep only to wake up around 2 a.m. submerged in sweat and searching for water like a dehydrated sailor at sea.
Being a mother nowadays can be incredibly isolating and lonely, especially if you're an anti-social extrovert like me: I'm extroverted with people I'm comfortable with but pretty shy and closed off otherwise and won't seek out new friendships or even conversation (unless I was drinking alcohol like back in the day).
Mommy groups weren't my thing. I could never get into the gossip or husband-bashing (not to say this is all mommy groups, but I didn't find one that resonated like... "yes, these are my girls"). The only thing I had in common with those women: being a mother. That's it.
I was the first, by far, in my friend group to have a baby. I was the first in my family. I was the first, and I was so lost.
"You have an easy kid."
"People have it way worse."
"Just be grateful."
These are not helpful things to say when someone is in a chronic fight or flight state. You cannot access joy and gratitude when you're stressed out 24/7.
What I didn't have was a supportive community of Moms around me to hold my hand and tell me what was normal, what was not, where to find more help.
I didn't know how difficult breastfeeding would be or to how to emotionally prepare for going back to work which felt like a part of my soul was being ripped apart.
I didn't have one mom friend my age who could just listen to me ugly cry instead of sobbing by myself in our closet, collapsing under all the pressure, hiding from my kids and husband lest they see me "losing it".
Shannon was the first person to truly hold space for me with absolute compassion. And ultimately, it was so impactful that I quite the corporate world after 14 years and walked straight into the unknown land of business owner in co-creating The Green Door Life.
Beyond the 1:1 support, I didn't have the community I craved.
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